THE Stir Fry

If I've cooked dinner for you lately, there's a 1 in 2 chance that it's been a stir fry. If I was... let's say, sobriety challeneged when I cooked that meal, there's a 3 in 4 chance that it was a stir fry. This is that meal that I can cook with my eyes closed, one hand behind my back, at 2 AM. It also happens to be healthy and tasty. As the name "Stir Fry" implies, you can put anything in this in terms of veggies and proteins, but I'll give the standard recipe that I make most often. I'll be honest, this is going to be some terrible instruction, mainly because I can never keep track of how long it takes to do things like stir fry mushrooms- you just cook them until they're done. That's that. So use common sense, I suppose, if you're idiotic enough to try this after that introduction. It really is super easy.

These amounts will make 4 servings, easily, and it reheats fantastically.

The most important thing you'll need is a packet of Sun Bird General Tso's Chicken Seasoning Mix. It's cheating, I know, but that's sort've the point. Look for it in your Asian food aisle. They have a bunch of flavors, but after trying all of them, this is by far the best.

Additionally...

• soy sauce, about 1/4 c
• 2 tbl brown sugar (omit if low carbing it- it's not necessary)
• 1 Tbl rice vinegar, or water if you don't feel like investing in this
• 1/2 package firm tofu, cut into 1/4 inch cubes
• 2 Tbl olive oil. This is a total estimate. I have no idea how much oil I use... just use enough to keep the food from sticking
• 1 small onion, chopped
• what, like, a handful of frozen, already cooked shrimp
• 5 oz mushrooms, sliced
• 4 cloves garlic, crushed and chopped
• 1/2 can bean sprouts
• 1 c frozen broccoli crowns (go ahead- spend the extra 50 cents for the crowns over the general, stems included broccoli- you deserve it)
• 2 eggs
• 1 c frozen cauliflower
• a dash of cayenne pepper if you like it hot
• 1/4 c peanuts
• 1/4 c green onions

Thaw the frozen stuff however you like. Obviously, you could buy everything fresh and cook it up, but if you're that ambitious, you probably shouldn't bother with this blog. Also, get your sauce ready to go. Mix the sauce packet, soy sauce, rice vinegar (or water), and brown sugar together and set aside.
Heat some oil in a nice big wok over medium high heat. A wok is actually pretty necessary for this. You're going to run out of room if you use a frying pan. Make sure the oil's hot, then add the tofu and onion. I like mine to get pretty crispy, so to accomplish that you have to let the tofu and onions sit in the oil for a minute or so, then turn them with a spatula. If you've never worked with tofu before, it takes practice to cook it how you like it, but if you don't get it perfect, it's not a big deal. A stir fry is a really forgiving way to practice making tofu. When it starts to look a little brown, it's done- like a perfectly roasted marshmallow. After a few minutes with the tofu and onion cooking, add the mushroom, garlic, and cayenne pepper. You may have to add a little more oil here. After a few minutes, when the mushrooms are done to your liking, add the thawed broccoli, cauliflower, and shrimp. Push everything to the side of the wok and add the eggs, scrambling them with your spatula. Let the eggs cook until they're soft, as in not quite done, then mix everything in your wok. You can try the infamous flippy food thing, but you'll probably just make a mess. Now add the sauce and bean sprouts. Stir it all up. If the sauce seems liquidy, just let it cook off some of the water. Garnish each bowl with the green onions and peanuts.
-Jacklyn Nemunaitis

A BIG FAT ROAST CHICKEN

Oh, God, Roast Chicken. A food with so much importance to me that it warrants capitalization. With the singular exception of roast duck, this is without a doubt my favorite meal. It's the ultimate simple yet delicate, unpretentious yet classy, comfort food for one or impressive meal for a group. I've been working very hard at perfecting this dish, and I've pick up a few tricks that I think are worth sharing. In terms of prep work this is... considerably easier than pie. I'll try to tell you how to make the most simple sort of Roast Chicken, but once you get the basics down, there are endless modifications. If you're trying to save on fat and calories and avoiding the skin (which, damnit, probably makes a lot of sense considering how much fat and calories are in the skin... I won't tell you here. If you want to know, look it up yourself. Finding that out was the culinary equivalent of finding out there was no Santa Clause. I don't want to force that burden of truth on anyone) you should still cook the chicken with the skin on- it's critical for sealing in the flavor. Then just remove the skin after it's cooked. You don't add any calories this way, just seal in the juicy goodness.

You go and you get yourself:

1. 1 Chicken for Roasting, 2 1/2-3 1/2 lbs.****
2. 3 Tbl butter, softened- for 2 different purposes
3. 3 cloves garlic, chopped
4. 1/4 c chopped parsley
5. salt and pepper

**** This is important. Don't go for the cheapo chicken. It must say "for roasting" or "for baking." Also, you want it to be relatively small. This means the fat to meat ratio is right on, and your chicken will be plenty succulent. Pay no attention to the 6 lb beast in these pictures. It was all the store had, and I NEEDED Roast Chicken. NEEDED. I have few cravings stronger than my Roast Chicken craving.
Preheat oven to 450. Don't be afraid of the high temperature. It's completely normal.
Make that butter mix first- combo 2 Tbl of the butter, garlic, and parsley in a small bowl.
You want the chicken to be at room temperature when you start messing with it- this ensures that it will cook evenly. Take out all that crap on the inside. Now rinse your chicken inside and out and dry it with a paper towel, or several. You want it as dry as possible. This will help make the skin crispy and allow you to bake rather than steam your chicken. Only masochists like steamed chicken.
Place that chicken breast side up and separate the skin on the breast and thighs from the meat with your fingers. This makes a handy little pocket for you to cram that butter mixture in. Pull the legs together and tie them with a string. I don't really know what the purpose for this is other than to make the bird look pretty, in the traditional sense. I skip this step a lot. Season liberally all over with salt and pepper, using more on the thicker parts.
Put that last 1 Tbl of butter in a roasting pan and pop it in the oven just long enough to melt the butter. Now load the chicken into the pan and stick it in the oven. Leave it there for about 30-35 min. You're going to get antsy and want to check on it. Don't. You'll release the heat. After this time, take the chicken out and flip it using some tongs and whatever heavy machinery you've got lying around. Careful not to splash the hot juices all over yourself; spewing obscenities can cause a scene at dinner parties. Put the chicken back in the oven for another 10-15 minutes, then take it out and flip AGAIN! Flipping lets all the juices distribute to all the right places. Let the chicken cook in that oven for about another 10-15 minutes until it's done, for a total of 50-65 minutes. If you're feeling lucky, you can go with the pop-up timer that comes with it (in my personal experience, this has gotten the cooking time spot on, but it's also completely failed- use with caution) or stick a meat thermometer in the thickest part of the meat while the chicken is cooking- it should read 170 when done. Finally, when you pull it out, let your creation sit on the carving board for at least 15 minutes to let the juices set. This will be hard. It will smell freaking incredible. You can do it. It's worth it.

I made some roast veggies on the side in a separate pan- just chopped cauliflower, some big chunks of red onion, and about 10 cloves of chopped garlic (this is not an exaggeration- I really dig garlic). Tossed it with olive oil, salt, and pepper, and stuck it in the oven with the chicken for about 30 minutes, turning once. Why, Jackie, why didn't you just roast everything in the same pan as the chicken, you ask? Answer: I just don't like how oily the veggies get when they cook in the runoff from the chicken, especially since I plan on saving a lot of it for future eating. Re-heated oily veggies are super gross.
My belly is so full and satisfied. To my mother: Thank you for the quality eating habits. To everyone else: I really just wrote all this to make you super jealous. Bitches.

-Jacklyn Nemunaitis